A letter to Sadie
A Letter to Sadie
I have just come back from a three and a half mile walk. Why? I am just a little bit more serious about long walks. Soon Ill be pushing a stroller with you in it. Then walks in the park. Then maybe some road-trips to places you want to go. Then, who knows.
I want to be here a long time. Not just for you. That would not be true. I want to see your Father older, happy, smiling at you as you grow up. I want to see your Aunt Sef, my daughter, achieve everything she wants in life. I want to see your Grandmother, forever.
I want to see the family together. Your Father, your Mother, your Aunt, your Grandmother. Together. Again and again and again. And I want to see you. I want to see you crawl and walk and graduate college or learn the arts or whatever it is you want to do, I want to see it. I want to see my granddaughter. I want to see you happy.
As I write this, you are a month before you are born. I have felt you kick, I have talked to you through the wall of the womb. Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home? Yes, Pink Floyd lyrics. If you like Pink Floyd, you can blame me. You heard them in utero.
See, even before you are born, I love you. I cant help it. Maybe it is biology. Maybe not? It doesnt matter. I can imagine talking you for walks, playing in parks, seeing things together. Being a good Grandfather.
Im sure Ill make as many mistakes as a Grandfather as I made as a father. There are no instructions for either. And I have no role models for it but Ill do my best.
Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table with your Aunt Sef. She is, as I write this, 25 years old and in pre-med in New York City. I am telling you this because you, unlike me, I hope will know who your family is without having to put puzzles together. In part, thats why I am writing this letter.
Sef and are going through boxes of pictures brought up by your Great-Grandfather. He doesnt know who most of the people are. I asked my Mother, your Great-Grandmother, Sheilah, for whom you are named, but by the time the pictures came to my attention, she could not identify some of the people, was unsure of others, changed her mind. Remembering not remembering, was hard for her, stressful, upsetting. I let it go.
Really, thats what this letter is about. Its about introducing you to your family. And, as time moves on, I will label pictures better, Years, people, events, relations. Ill do a better job than those before me.
Lets start before there were pictures.
Your Fathers side of the family is all I can describe, of course. So Ill talk about your Grandmother and Grandfather, Lee and myself, with that understanding.
Way back, maybe six or seven generations, both families were in Galicia and Galacia. Dont confuse those. A letter can make a big difference. Language is funny that way, as youll discover.
Galicia is in Spain and it borders Portugal. Galacia is in Eastern Europe and it is sort of between Austria and Poland. Both had an awful lot of Jews which is why they got their own names and they got invaded a lot because when Jews live somewhere, its treated like no one really lives there.
Your Father is Jewish. I know - its hard to tell. See, its a religion, yes. Its a culture too, yes. It is also a race. Sort ! of. Kind of. No one can tell from your genes if you are Catholic or Baptist or Mormon or Buddhist or what-have-you, but you can tell if you are Jewish. Even if you are a Cohan, Levite or Israelite. Your Father, by the way, is a Cohan, a member of the priesthood, traditionally. I can explain all that to you later. Its kind of cool and kind of doesnt matter anymore.
Genes. You can track the genes for the Jewish people for the female lineage by mitochondrial DNA. And for the male lineage by the haplotypes of the Y chromosome. Ok, so you are minus one month old and there is plenty of time to learn genetics. Besides, your Aunt loves genetics and she can explain it to you when you are older and able to understand. When you are four or five maybe.
You Father is Jewish. His entire side of the family is. Heres how we got here.
Your Great-Great-Grandfather, my Grandfather, my Mothers father came from England. Albert Cohen. His family was from Galicia. Near Portugal. His last name was Cohen. His family had to leave Galicia and went to Portugal. Had to means the governments said, Hey, you Jews. Convert or leave. Sometimes it was just, Leave. And sometimes the request to leave sounded an awful lot like hoof-beats and rifles. They settled in Portugal and then they were told to leave again. This was 1496.
They could be forcibly baptized, or killed or leave. They could stay as Crypto-Jews which are also called Marranos, which means they convert but practice in secret, they went to Holland. Many Marranos find out many centuries later their families are Jewish and that is the reason they have customs and practices that are not quite Christian. Many even practice in cellars are part of their heritage but didnt know why. Your family chose to leave.
They went to The Netherlands. There they were welcomed and in the 1670s you family helped create The Portuguese Synagogue. There is a lot of history there and we should go see it someday.
In England too. I have a picture of my Grandfathers father or uncle. I cannot tell. He is the Lord Mayor of Hereford. He is standing next to King George VI and The Queen Mother, Queen Elizabeths mother. King George is in military uniform. They are on a street in a group in one picture. In another, looking at a bomb site. This is WWII Britain.
I never met my Mothers father. He died of pneumonia when my Mother was a teenager. Or younger. He ended up in England, following his father, I think. Or his Grandfather. I am not sure. But he then came to Canada before WWII and was in the Canadian Forces and fought in that war. He was an electrical engineer. He met your Great-Great-Grandmother. I am not sure how. He became an American.
Looking though the photographs, I find pictures of him. He is in his 40s, maybe. Some in uniform, some not, some in a suit, a wedding picture. I find pictures of his brother, Uncle Dave and his sister, Aunt Jane. Great Uncle and Great-Aunt, actually. Your Great-Great Great Uncle Dave (Wow, three greats) was a jazz musician. He died in the late 1990s. He was amazing on a piano and would tell us stories of all the famous people he played with. He was married to Aunt Ester. We would go over, when I was small. Less than seven years old, when they loved in New York. Their Chihuahua bit me in their apartment.
When they moved to Florida, as did we, wed visit them in their home in North Miami. She would give me gin and tonics. I was twelve, thirteen.
Aunt Jane. There is a picture of my Mother with Aunt Jane and Uncle Al. My Mother is in her 20s. Great-Aunt Jane met my Great Uncle Al when they were both 14. He had a pushcart in New York City. He sold various items from it. He met Aunt Jane. They were married 78 years. In their late eighties they would go to the old a! ge homes and play for what Aunt Jane called The Old People. Most of them were ten to twenty years younger than they were. Aunt Jane would play the piano and sing and Uncle Al played accordion.
She got sick and died within two weeks. She was in her nineties. That was 2007. Uncle Al took me aside and asked me what he was supposed to do. What do you do without your best friend? He asked me this because, he said, he knew I would understand. I didnt have a good answer. We just sat. He died in 2009. I still have his number in my phone.
His daughter, my cousin, lives in New Hampshire.
Your Father met them. He was lucky. Aunt Jane and Uncle Al were two of the nicest, kindest people I had ever met. I believe, if there is no heaven, surely one was created for them.
Back to your Great-Great-Grandfather. Albert Cohen. Here is what my Mother told me about him. He was never cross, never unhappy. There was no day he did not smile.
My Grandmother. My Mothers mother. I have pictures of my Grandmother with my Grandfathers parents. I saw a picture of her at the dock when the survivors of the Titanic were brought back. It listed her as a survivor. She wasnt. She was just at the right place at the right time and the journalist took her picture, her name, and assumed. Her last name was Governor then. It had been changed when she came through Ellis Island. It was Governosa. Ukrainian. Her Grandmothers last name was Chansky.
Names. You cant tell a Jew by their name no matter what some people try to tell you. We were pushed, pulled, kicked from so many places. Forced to hide, assimilate, evaporate, leave, relocate. That meant being flexible. So we each had two names. A Hebrew name and a regular name. We let the regular names go and come as we needed. We didnt tell anyone about the other names.
So when the border between Poland and The Ukraine shifted east or west, now you are Polish, now you! are Ukr ainian, today you are Austrian, tomorrow, Slovakian. Pass through Ellis Island and your name is hard to spell. They change your name for you. Let it change. Better not to make waves. Life goes on.
Most ethnic groups have a landscape they can adhere to. It is made of space and mountains and rivers. Not us. Our landscape is made of time.
So Grandma Chansky, as my Grandmother used to call her, came to the US. It wasnt really by choice. Jews were being expelled from Russia and The Ukraine. If you were in the rural areas, by Cossacks. In the Pogroms, which were official systematic forced removal of Jews. If you were in the cities, by mobs, by not being allowed to hold jobs or go to school or buy bread.
They came to the US. One day, you and I and your Father, at least, should go to Ellis Island. And we should try to get Aunt Sef to go too. She loves to learn about her family and she and I both like research. Sef went by herself one year. And your Grandmother and I, another. Here is what we found in the archives.
Blue Star Line. From Kiev to Buenos Aires, Argentina to the US. My Grandmother, her mother, her sisters. I have pictures of them. Aunt Ann, Aunt Gert, Aunt Ethel. And there are pictures with their husbands much later. Uncle George. Uncle Red, Uncle Murray, whom I adored and still do. Uncle Red. I made sure Sef got to meet Aunt Ethel. And she met her Grandmother many times. She missed seeing Uncle Murray. Your Father had not met any of them. All are gone. The links to the old land are gone and nothing is left but time.
He did not meet his Great-Grandmother either, He was very young and she was very sick. She was sick a long time. She did not help herself to not be sick. She was angrier even longer than that. She did not help herself to be not angr! y either . My Mother told me that, when her father died, her mother became angry and stayed that way. Grandma sure did love me. I know that. But it didnt help her to not be angry. She died at eighty two or eighty six and she was angry half her life. Isnt that a shame? All the things we could have done, what we could have laughed over, the games we could have played. Dont spend your time angry.
She lived with us from when I was little. She died a few weeks after your Father was born. He came in and she went out. I buried her myself. All I can say about her is she loved me and she was angry.
I have pictures of her as a bride. In a bathing suit. Outside with my Mother. After your Great-Great-Grandfather died, the pictures nearly stopped.
She had your Great-Grandmother and your Great Uncle Teddy. I saw Teddy a dozen times, maybe. He talked me into going to speech therapy when I was in second grade. I could not tell F from Th. Imagine that. Sadie, I dont think you will get to meet him.
Your Great-Grandmother Sheilah. Some of the pictures of your Great-Grandmother are stunning. I see photographs of her at age three or so. Age six or seven with her father. Playing, on a bike, at the beach. Age ten with Uncle Al, in her teens at the beach, in a bathing suit. Pictures of her at her wedding.
She was born in a suburb of Boston. She was smart but not well educated. She went to secretarial school. She met my Father, your Great-Grandfather, in her 20s but Im not sure when. Or where. I know my Father snuck her aboard ship when he was in the navy. My Fathers father had friends in high places and my Father got an honorable discharge. Not just for that.
She was active, rode her bike, went hiking, went prospecting for gold, diamonds, emeralds. We did lots of stuff when i was a kid. As much as we were able. We didnt have much. I can remember sitting on the floor watching Star Trek when it first was on TV, wal! king to kindergarten, taking trips. She made dolls, painted clothing, refinished furniture, made wood puzzles, did arts and crafts. She played the piano and sang.
But she didnt rest. Your Grandmother and I took a trip with her and your Great-Grandfather. She had pneumonia. She refused to rest. She ended up in the hospital on the trip. She took no time off. So she got sick. Then she got very sick. I wrote a lot about your Grandmother. You can read some or all or none later on. Lets say that she was pretty cool most of the time.
Anyway, she had me. And she had your Uncle Merrill. Great Uncle, I guess. He is three years, one month and four days younger than i am. We dont hear from him much. You can ask me why, but i would not be able to give you a good answer. Sometimes, things are like that. It upset your Great-Grandmother though. She was hoping everyone would be closer.
Your Father didnt know your Great-Grandmother well. He never met her when she was active. She died when he was barely eighteen and she was sick for that many years. He knew her only with a cane, then a walker, then a wheelchair. But your Aunt knew her as a more active person. But, one day, ask your Grandmother about her. They were good friends from even before your Grandmother and I were married.
Me. I was born in 1964. I was kind of sick. Learned to walk really late, didnt see well. My Mother taught me to read when I was four. I taught myself most everything else. Except math. Your Grandmother taught me that. It took me a long time to figure out who I was and what I was doing. Or maybe just to figure out how things work and not be angry with the world. See, thee is that anger. It isnt any good. Or just to figure out what I really wanted.
I met your Grandmother when I was fifteen and she was twenty-one. She was a good friend of my Mothers. I remember her asking my Mother if there was any way she, as in my Mother, could get rid of me. My Mother sai! d yes. A nd we got married when I was twenty. My Mother, your Great-Grandmother, told your Grandmother she should have been more specific.
Your Grandmother and I were best friends. Still are. Like Uncle Al and Aunt Jane. Best friends. I wish the same for you. It is the best wish I can wish for you. Really.
She and I made plans. It took a long time. We made them real. So whatever you want to do, Ill back you. You can do it.
My Fathers side. I cant tell you much. I wish I could. There are nearly no pictures. They dont talk much. They tend to be not very close. I could tell you a few things though.
They are from Galacia. Remember, that middle letter means a lot. That is the area around Poland and Austria. The Gal in that word, both words, means the Gaels, the Celts settled there. A very Jewish area. Where they lived became Austria. Their name became Tritt, which means step and then they had to leave. That was in the early part of 1900s. The ones who stayed arent alive anymore. The ones who stayed died in the Holocaust. Sorry. I cant make that sound good or pretty or nice. Your Aunt and I once went to the Holocaust Memorial in Miami Beach. You should do that someday. I can go with you. Your Great-Grandmother went to the one in Washington DC. There she found a relative among the exhibits. She was not ok for weeks. It happens, I guess. I have never been. I dont know if I can.
Some of your Great-Grandfather Freds family lives in Israel now. His brother, Warren, your Great-Great Uncle, and his wife Merav, live in Tenafly, New Jersey. You have cousins in New York. And in Israel.
Let me tell you a little bit about your Great-Grandfather. He can be fun. In his own way, he is, has been, was brilliant. He designed things. You and I, out and about, will probably see some of them. Some even in museums. Some in supermarkets. Labels, posters. He is a paradox. That means, in some ways, some of his qual! ities se em out of place when you look at some of his other qualities. I can say there is certainly no one else like him though.
He and your Great-Grandmother were activists. They were busy in lots of causes and, without a doubt, played their part in history.
Lets go back to your Grandmother Lee. I have no idea, by the way, what you will call us. It doesnt matter to me.
Your Father and Aunt call your Great-Grandfather Pinkponk. Go ahead. Ask him why one day. Your Great-Grandmother they called Grandma. She really really loved them.
Your Great-Grandmother Shirley, shes Bubbie. Its Yiddish for Grandmother. Grandfather in Yiddish is Zeda. Great-Grandfather Lou didnt want to be called that, or Grandfather or anything like that. He wanted to be called Lou. He got it.
Your Grandmother and I grew up hearing Yiddish. But no one would teach us. The generation before, your Great-Grandmother, could understand it but not speak it. So it goes.
Back to your Grandmother, little one.
Remember Ellis Island and that Blue Star Line in 1922? Guess who else was on that? Your Grandmothers family. Funny, huh? From Kiev to Buenos Aires to the US. Some of her family stayed in Buenos Aires. There are lots of Jewish people there. How? Well, remember The Netherlands, where they were accepted? They could start business and be part of culture. Many got involved in the Dutch East India Tea Company and they helped start business, on behalf of that country, in South America. You still have relatives there.
Your Grandmothers Great-Grandmother went to Montreal. Then the family ended up in Philadelphia. Your Great-Great-Grandfather, your Grandmothers mothers father, a huge fellow who looked shockingly like Rasputin, was a deserter from the Tsars Army. Tsar Nicholas II. He left before the October Revolution and Lenin. He left during the Pogroms. The same things that sent! my Gran dmother and her Mother and sisters to the US. The Army carried these out with the help of Cossacks. There were several. This one would be between 1903 and 1906. Who could blame him? I never met him.
Your Grandmothers family on her mothers side is really really nice. And fun too. You will meet lots of them, no doubt. Her sister Fran is wonderful. Really. Youre going to love her and shell love you. Your Grandmother has a brother too, Great Uncle Mitch. Hes in the Air Force. We dont see him much. Hes a nice guy. He has three kids. They are your cousins. Ben, Sydney and Danielle. Your Grandmothers cousins are cool too. Fran and her kids, Harriet and her kids, Cheryl and Bob and their kids, Robin and her kids (and one of her kids has kids.), Jack and his kids. They all look a lot alike. At least the girls do. The Levin Girls, they call themselves.
Those cousins are the kids of your Great-Grandmothers brother Ed, a wonderful fellow, and her sister Helen. Helen was married to Uncle Shelly. He died not long after I met him. Some like him, some didnt. He was kind of unusual. But he was great to me and helped smooth me into the family. I miss him, really. He died pretty young. Heres a hint how. Dont smoke. Just dont. Funny, but I dont have any pictures of him. But I have pictures of all your cousins.
On her Fathers side, I have met Margo, your Grandmothers cousin. She has two kids. She is nice and very kind and will love to meet you. Past that, I cant tell you anything about your Great-Grandfathers family. They dont have much to do with each other, it seems.
You and I will look at all these pictures together. In this age of Internet and Facebook, there are a lot more pictures and, in some ways, it is easier to keep track. But the old pictures need to be saved, fixed, labeled and appreciated. We can do that together.
We can do lots of things together. Because you are going to be amazing.
!
You are going to be proud of her. And she loves you already. You should see her walk around with you, showing you off. She is so looking forward to being your mommy. You two are going to be great together.
And your Daddy. He is as good and kind a person as anyone could want a person to be. And he is crazy smart! Id be happy to know him even if he wasnt my son. The world is lucky to have him.
Maybe a little like me in that hes still figuring things out in some ways. But one thing he doesnt have to figure out is that he loves you. He is so happy you are on the way that its obvious to everyone who sees him. He is doing everything he can to make a wonderful life for you. Everyone is. But he is working extra hard at it. You are going to be proud of him too.
And I cant wait for you to meet your Aunt Sef. She is bright, and nice, and fun, and, and... Oh, she is Sef. Shes wonderful and amazing. You two will be friends, I am sure.
And your Grandmother. She is the best. I mean that. I hope you get some of her drive and determination and brains. Your Grandmother is amazing.
And, so, I know the best, most amazing ladies in the world. Your mom, Sef, your Grandmother and you, Miss Sadie. And that makes me the luckiest Grandfather this world has ever ever seen.
Welcome to the family.
